Saddling Up Again

It's hard for me to believe, but it's that day again--Tuesday--the one day a week when I have to take four antibiotics instead of three. I'm still trying to recover from last Tuesday, which hit me exceptionally hard. I am really struggling to stay positive and not let the fear that's trying to creep in overtake me.

I know I've said this before, but much of the Lyme journey is mental. Recovery is at times excruciating and it's incredibly hard to gear up for something that you know is going to make you sick. With Lyme disease, you have to get worse to get better. What I didn't realize is that you have to get worse over and over again.

I am stubborn and I am strong and I know I can do this! Not knowing how much sicker I am going to get is the scariest part and I have to have strength enough to be able to take care of my two little kids. But it is for those two little munchkins that I draw the courage that I need to make it through this day, and the next, and the next...

The Courage to be Sick

 "A sacred illness is one that educates us and alters us from the inside out, provides experiences and therefore knowledge that we could not possibly achieve in any other way, and aligns us with a life path that is, ultimately, of benefit to ourselves and those around us."
--Deena Metzger

Not only is there a war going on in my body for my physical health, but also a deep struggle for my mental health--for a better, stronger, healthier way of thinking and truly loving life. What I am seeking is the courage to be sick--to be truly content with a body that is out of control and doesn't cooperate. I am seeking peace, gratefulness, and acceptance of my weak body.

I want to face this day with bravery and confidence and with a good attitude. But, it's as though there's an evil Lyme spirochete sitting on my shoulder, whispering nasty things into my ear so that he and his pals can continue partying hard in my body.

Today is my first day back on antibiotics after taking a medicine break because of last week's mega Herx. Though I am terrified of taking my medicine today, I am working hard to change my focus from fear to gratitude. My goal for today is to focus on how strong my body is, not how weak it may seem to me.

Today, I will work to trust my body. It won't be easy; I haven't bounced back completely from last week's huge Herx, so I'm going ino this treatment weaker than usual. But I will trust my body to do its best to heal itself. I have to get sicker to get better, so today, I will be grateful for the intense battle going on inside of my body that I cannot see. Those feelings of sickness are my body's way of showing me how incredibly hard it is fighting for me.

I'm scared of being so weak. But when I am at my weakest, it is because my body is at its strongest--fighting with every ounce of strength it has! I will work hard to mirror that strength in my soul today as I battle the feelings of total weakness that must overcome my body before I can be well again.