Through the Eyes of a Child

 

This is both the most beautiful, yet, at the same time, heart-wrenching thing to me. It is quite surreal to see myself sick through the eyes of my oldest child. My son, Miles, brought this picture home to me yesterday. They had a Mother's Day contest at his school, and he was really hoping to win it for me, but he was sad to report that he didn't win (as though that could make me love it any less!).

Miles is 7 years old and he does not ever talk about my Lyme disease, though I know it must be incredibly hard for him. He is the most mature little boy for his age and he always has been. He never participated in imagination-type-play, because, as he stunningly put it to me at around 3 1/2 or 4 years old, "Mommy, why would I pretend that? It's not real and it won't actually happen!" This same child raised over $1,500 for Haiti last year after the earthquake, of his own accord, by selling his artwork! Of course I am biased, but he is a very special little boy!

Though he's very intellectual, expressing his feelings is a huge struggle for him. What strikes me most about his Mother's Day picture is that I'm smiling at him with a heart over top of me, and he is frowning at me, although he has a heart in front of him, too.  He is extremely stoic for a boy of his age, so in a way, it is a relief to see that he found a way through his art to express his sadness over my illness. 

Despite the melancholy tone of the picture, it's indescribably beautiful to me and I proudly hung it up on my wall. It is the most wonderful Mother's Day present I could have ever received from him! Next Mother's Day, I hope to receive a picture just like it, but with my son smiling and his mama no longer in bed!

The Courage to be Sick

 "A sacred illness is one that educates us and alters us from the inside out, provides experiences and therefore knowledge that we could not possibly achieve in any other way, and aligns us with a life path that is, ultimately, of benefit to ourselves and those around us."
--Deena Metzger

Not only is there a war going on in my body for my physical health, but also a deep struggle for my mental health--for a better, stronger, healthier way of thinking and truly loving life. What I am seeking is the courage to be sick--to be truly content with a body that is out of control and doesn't cooperate. I am seeking peace, gratefulness, and acceptance of my weak body.

I want to face this day with bravery and confidence and with a good attitude. But, it's as though there's an evil Lyme spirochete sitting on my shoulder, whispering nasty things into my ear so that he and his pals can continue partying hard in my body.

Today is my first day back on antibiotics after taking a medicine break because of last week's mega Herx. Though I am terrified of taking my medicine today, I am working hard to change my focus from fear to gratitude. My goal for today is to focus on how strong my body is, not how weak it may seem to me.

Today, I will work to trust my body. It won't be easy; I haven't bounced back completely from last week's huge Herx, so I'm going ino this treatment weaker than usual. But I will trust my body to do its best to heal itself. I have to get sicker to get better, so today, I will be grateful for the intense battle going on inside of my body that I cannot see. Those feelings of sickness are my body's way of showing me how incredibly hard it is fighting for me.

I'm scared of being so weak. But when I am at my weakest, it is because my body is at its strongest--fighting with every ounce of strength it has! I will work hard to mirror that strength in my soul today as I battle the feelings of total weakness that must overcome my body before I can be well again.