A Girl and a Horse

I had a very rare afternoon to myself today without my kids, thanks to my mother-in-law, and I was feeling pretty well, so I hopped in the car and went to the barn. It was a gorgeous day out and, as always, my pretty pony was waiting for me.

"Hi, Mama!"

There is no greater joy on this earth than being on top of my horse. I have no pain when I am sitting on her and I believe with all my heart that she understands what a gift she is giving me when I ride her. Mostly, though I don't have enough energy to ride, so we just "park" and I sit on her back and dream about riding while she eats her hay.

When I started Bicillin injections, my doctor told me I'd most likely be too sore to ride my horse. When I told my mom that, she said, "I know you and you'll do it anyway!" What can I say, my mom knows me well. Last week, I went to the barn and tried to climb up on my horse, and ended up hurting myself. I figured it was time to put away my cowgirl boots until I was done with the shots.

But if you know me, you know that I am stubborn. Very stubborn. I took my pony into the arena today and we walked around and around while I contemplated whether or not I should get up on her again. She seemed to say to me, "Just get on already, lady!" So I did. We rode for about 10 minutes--bareback, bridleless, and without reins. And it was amazing.

I'm exhausted after my 10 minutes of being a cowgirl and I'm resting now, but it was worth every bit of the pain that it will cause me for the next several days. Knowing that my dream horse is waiting for me at the barn gives me so much strength to beat the snot out of this disease.

Heaven on Earth

I start every day and end every day by checking in on all of my Lyme friends to see how they are doing. Unless you spend a lot of time around someone with Lyme disease, you can't imagine the physical and mental pain that it causes. It is so easy to lose hope when you are sick day after day, and I really worry about my Lyme friends. I hope this post helps all of you out there with Lyme disease to remember that you will get better and that there are amazing things waiting just around the corner for you, too!

Last Saturday, as many of you know, my dream came true and I found my equine soul mate. While I did have one day where I sent my friend a panicked email along the lines of "What have I done; I'm too sick to take care of a horse!",  I really feel with all my heart that getting this horse was the right thing to do. Owning a horse and struggling with chronic illness is going to be a challenge, but it has already given me so much joy after only one week.

My horse is boarded at a barn about 10 minutes away from where I live. The owners feed and water and keep a close watch on all of the horses. Anytime I can't make it out to the barn, I know my horse is in good hands. The barn owners always go above and beyond (I boarded my previous horse with them for five years) and I am so blessed to have found such an amazing home for my precious new horse, Fjóla.

Peekaboo! 

Thanks to my dear, understanding hubby, who graciously became a single father this week so I could spend every possible moment together with my new horse, I managed to make it to the barn every day but one this week, and with the level of exhaustion I felt  (plus being in the middle of a major heat wave here), that is pretty impressive.

I didn't anticipate the impact Fjóla would have on me so quickly. The thought of that beautiful horse--so excited to see me already, after only one week together--makes every day that I can possibly make it to the barn worth every bit of the fight that it takes to get to her. And she has shown me after such a short time together that she--the pony who went almost entirely unhandled for all but the last half a year--was waiting for someone just like me her whole life. She is the most loving, kind, affectionate, curious and laid back horse I've ever met! It just goes to show you that the dreams that you have to fight the hardest for are truly heaven on earth!
         

The Horse

When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you.

After all, I am your horse.

Willis Lamm.

The Best Medicine

I had quite a busy weekend bringing my new horse, Fjóla, home and spending pretty much every waking hour (Lyme disease permitting) at the barn. Heat plus Lyme disease plus overdoing it equals bad news! Yesterday, I had my belly dancing class, and I thought it would be good for me, but I had to leave early. It was just too much on top of my completely exhausted body. I don't know how I made it home! I was out of commission for the rest of the evening.

This morning, however, I woke up feeling great and full of energy. I was able to get lots of things done around the house. I had a Lyme crash around lunch time, but I put on a movie for the kids and was able to lay down and it passed quickly. I'm feeling pretty good right now, and I'm just taking it easy and trying not to push myself too hard.

One week from today, I go back to my Lyme doctor, who I presume will be shaking things up with my regular meds--meaning its quite likely that I'll be knocked on my butt for a bit. I have a few new symptoms and I'm wondering if my Babesia infection is stepping down and letting the next co-infection step up to bat.

One thing is for sure: There's a super cute little Icelandic horse waiting at the barn just for me and if that's not good medicine in helping me fight Lyme disease, I don't know what is! I couldn't have found a better medicine! Maybe I should nickname her Doxycycline (an antibiotic commonly used to treat Lyme disease).

The Perfect Day

Fjóla and Aly: Our first day together

Today, my new horse came home! I floated through the entire day in a dreamlike state. She is such an amazing, calm and laid back horse--she walked right off the trailer like she'd been there a million times before. This horse is unflappable! She is truly something special. Of course, I am biased...

When I got home from the barn, I came downstairs and noticed that my husband had left on NPR downstairs. Guess what was playing on the radio? I'll give you a hint: It was the name of yesterday's blog post! And the song was playing right at this part: Somewhere, over the rainbow--bluebirds sing; and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true!

What a perfect end to a perfect day!

Somewhere, Over the Rainbow

(click here for picture credit)

"Somewhere, over the rainbow
Bluebirds sing;
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true."







In two weeks, I will hit the one year anniversary of my diagnosis of late stage Lyme disease. I have made unbelievable progress over the course of the year. I've gone from being almost totally bedridden to being able to function again. Some days I can function close to about 90% of what I used to. My pain levels are much more manageable now. I do have good days and bad days, but I can take care of my kids again, I can drive again and I can do many of things that I love to do again.

I've gone through some pretty dark days, but all through my fight, I never let go of my dream of owning another horse since I lost my beloved horse, Shiloh, nearly a year ago to a blood clot. It was so hard to admit that I just wasn't well enough to jump back into that kind of lifestyle. 

Yet now, after nearly a year of treatment, I'm finally strong enough and in a good place to pick up my dream again. I am so excited to announce that I have found my absolute dream horse and she is coming home tomorrow!

Indroducing: Fjóla (click for pronunciation), my new Icelandic horse!

I know that the challenge of owning a horse again is going to be tough while I continue to battle Lyme disease. I still have a lot of symptoms and I still have a long road to recovery. But my undying passion for horses has sustained me through the best of times and the worst of times. When the pain of Lyme disease overcomes me, my mind finds respite in dreaming of horses. When I struggle with the burden of depression from chronic illness, my sorrow turns to laughter at the barn. On the darkest days, I close my eyes and fly away from the pain on the back of my dream pony.

Tomorrow, my equine soul mate comes home. I could not have asked for a more perfect match, given the nature of my illness. Her laid back attitude and affectionate nature are everything I could have dreamed of and more. I am the luckiest girl in the world! I have fought so incredibly hard to turn this dream into a reality. Thank you so much to all my incredible friends and family who helped make this possible! And an extra, extra special thanks to my beloved Nana, who is cheering me on from heaven!

Fjóla, I cannot wait for the adventures we are going to have together! I've waited my whole life for a horse just like you. You are truly my dream come true. <3

Woman's Best Friend

 If dog is man's best friend, horse is woman's best friend!

One Final Ride

I've been thinking about my horse a lot lately. I never had time to properly grieve her passing, because the timing of her death coincided with the beginning of my Lyme disease treatment. There is something incredibly magic about the bond between a girl and her first horse.

Shiloh was 20 years old when I got her, although the dentist upgraded her to 25 when he took a peek at her teeth. This meant we were the same age! I wanted a kind and gentle older horse to show me the ropes and Shiloh fit the bill. It quickly became apparent to me that she was extremely aloof, which I came to learn is common in older horses, as they've "been there, done that."

Having been begging for a horse since I could talk, I wanted a horse who was as happy to see me as I was to see her. Shiloh, however, was like a stone wall. I know she understood how much I loved her, but she was not one to become excited about anything, especially a human who came to remove her from her food and make her do actual work.

Nevertheless, I had my pony and I was a happy girl. I loved her with every ounce of love I had in my heart, and I know she loved me, too, even though she wasn't one to show it. A handful of  times, she accidentally let a few nickers slip out to let me know that she was at least occasionally happy to see me.

Over the years, there was something that I always wanted to do: climb up on her back and simply lie there while she grazed in her field. I tried several times, but without a mounting block, I was never able to succeed in climbing up. She would patiently stand there while I jumped over and over until I eventually gave up. Occasionally, she would look back at me to let me know that she thought I was crazy.

Around the time when I first started getting sick with early symptoms of Lyme disease, Shiloh started having problems, too. Just like me, my "easy keeper" suddenly had trouble keeping on weight. Her hair started falling out in clumps; mine, too. I developed visual problems; she developed moon blindness, which caused her to lose sight in one eye almost overnight. My anxiety started getting bad; she started getting very jumpy and anxious, too. We kept a close watch on her, making sure she was safe in her pasture and not being picked on.

I will always wonder if Shiloh also contracted Lyme disease. Our symptoms mirrored each other so much that it's definitely possible. Over the years, I pulled two embedded ticks off of her, and I imagine many other ticks finished a full meal and dropped off, unnoticed. All of her symptoms could have been explained away simply as old age, although it seems strange how quickly they overtook her, since she'd always been amazingly healthy and plump for her age.

On the day when I found out that my Lyme test came back positive, I felt so many emotions: fear, relief, uncertainty, etc. So I did what I had done for the past 5 years--I took myself to the barn to find peace. Shiloh was way down the hill when I got there, and I struggled to drag my achy body down the hill so I could sit in the grass near my beloved pony and give my racing mind a rest.

Suddenly, I knew what I had to do! I threw off my boots and my socks and set my camera down in a safe place away from curious noses and hooves. And after 5 years of trying--on a day when I was in so much pain and with tears streaming down my face-- it took me only two tries: my body, as if lifted up by angels, now rested on the back of my aging pony. I don't know how long I laid there on her back embracing my beloved pony in a mammoth hug. It had been my dream for so long!

I gently grabbed a handful of her mane and gave her a tiny squeeze with my calves. I wasn't sure if she would understand what I was asking, but she did. She walked on! We rode through her pasture like that: barefoot, bareback, and bridleless. I've never in my life experienced the joy and peace of that moment. She took me back up the hill to her gate and I was able to steer her to the water trough so I could carefully climb off.

That was to be our last ride together: a few days later she lost the sight in her other eye, and her health rapidly declined. My pony-my wonderful, beautiful, aloof pony--took me on the most incredible, amazing last ride together. There was no doubt in my mind how much she loved me.

Though we didn't have much time together after our final ride, her aloof spell was broken--she whinnied for me when I came to see her (not nickered, mind you!), she wrapped her neck around me in true horsey-hug style, and in the span of a few short weeks, she gave back to me the five years worth of affection I had showered her with over our years together.

When it was time to let her go, I brought her her favorite thing in the whole wide world: Cheese Nips. She greedily gulped down the entire box, and then it was time to say goodbye. I held my pony and covered her with a million tears as she--the greatest pony who ever lived--galloped off with my heart to the great pasture in the sky.

A Girl Without A Pony Is Like A Tick Without Borrelia Burgdorferi

All of my life, horses have been magical to me. At a very young age, I started begging my parents for a pony. Sadly, sticking a pony in our tiny backyard (within the city limits) wasn't doable, or legal for that matter, but my poor broken heart couldn't fathom why my parents would choose to torture me by denying me my heart's desire of having my very own pony.

When I was in my mid-twenties, I finally got my foot in the door (er, gate) to the world of horses. I convinced my husband to let me take (very expensive!) riding lessons. Once a week, for one hour, my lifelong dream of being atop a real live horse came true!

I quickly noticed that something peculiar would happen when I was on the horses. When I was riding, if I was sick, my symptoms would disappear. But the second I would step back onto the ground, whatever symptoms I had would come back. For instance, if I had a headache it would be gone while I rode, but when my boots swung out of the stirrups and I landed back on the ground, my headache would be instantly back.

This happened to me many times. Be it a cold, asthma, anxiety, you name it and it would disappear. These magical ponies that I dreamed of all of my life were performing their own magic trick for me. In return, I did the one thing I could think of to thank them: I paid them back in peppermints.

On a cold and rainy winter day, my lifelong dream came true, and I got my very own dream pony. I loved my dear Shiloh for 5 wonderful years before she passed away at the ripe old age of 30. She carried me through so many things: my spouse in law school, the birth of my second child (okay, so she didn't actually CARRY me through that!), depression, anxiety, etc. Just like the horses I took riding lessons on, my problems melted away atop my swaybacked Appaloosa.

I have been well enough to ride horses only a handful of times since I got sick, but something about the magic of the horses shifted since I developed Lyme Disease. They were no longer able to carry me away from my pain. My joints still ached. My anxiety was still there. I was still depressed about being chronically ill. After years of horses taking my pain away from me, what was going on?

With this illness, I have had to tap into incredible amounts of strength deep inside of me to make it through my pain. Maybe the horses began to sense a change in me. Inside, I am so much stronger now than I ever was when I was "healthy." I am a much more positive person. I try not to take life for granted so much. I think the horses understood that I was finally ready to carry myself, ironically at a time when I could barely walk on my own two feet.

The reality of my illness is that I am not able to take care of another horse anytime soon. But the dream of one day owning my own horse once again carries me through my hard times. I KNOW I will be well again. I will fight with every last ounce I have to accomplish this dream. And this time, I will be stronger. I will not need my horse to carry me away from anything. We will ride off on our new adventure, girl and horse.

I am fighting for you, Dream Pony!

PS I will still be putting "a pony" on my Christmas list this year, just in case...