Making Progress; Losing progress

Not long ago, my Lyme disease left me laid up most of my days. I had bursts of energy here and there, but that would usually come screeching to a halt, leaving me stuck like a beached whale without enough energy to move--what I refer to as a "Lyme crash." The result was that I would often have to have help getting upstairs to my bed.

Being too weak to walk even a very short distance is something that is hard to understand unless you've felt it (and I hope that you never do!). On my worst days, I had periods of time when I was too exhausted to even speak. On my worst days, I couldn't leave my bed other than trips to the bathroom. If the house caught on fire, I would have had great difficulty getting outside!

Over the last few months, I've only had a handful of Lyme crashes. I haven't had to be carried or piggy-backed in months. I haven't had to crawl up the steps or scoot down the steps. Thursday, even though it was a medicine day, I was able to go grocery shopping by myself--and for our family of four, that is no small feat! It really wasn't that long ago when even walking around the block was like running a marathon to my frail body, so managing a trip to the grocery store solo feels nothing short of a miracle!

While I have made incredible progress over the past ten and a half months of treatment for my Lyme disease and multiple co-infections, this weekend has been very tough. Yesterday, I had a new symptom, and, quite frankly, it was one of the worst. My calves started burning and it got progressively worse over the course of a few hours until it felt like my legs were literally on fire. I took a cool bath, which helped, but then I had another episode about a half hour later. On a scale of one to ten, the pain was an eight. The second episode didn't last as long as the first, and as of today, I haven't had any more.

When you're healthy, it's hard to imagine being sick. On the flip side, when you're chronically ill, it's hard to imagine being well again. Well, I've had my taste of feeling well again, and let me tell you it spoiled me! It didn't take long for a false sense of security to settle in. A little voice inside of me was whispering, "You're better now! You're through the worst of this wretched disease!"

Recently, my husband and I began tossing about the idea of pursuing my dream of purchasing another horse. I've been doing really well for a few months and I finally felt like I was in a place where I could care for another horse. Losing my beloved horse and being too sick to own another horse has been incredibly difficult for me.

When my legs were burning yesterday, all I could do was cry--equally for my shattered horse dream and for the sheer pain that I was feeling! I had no idea if that was to be my new normal. Would I have to deal with that agonizing pain all the time? Frequently? Occasionally? You don't get answers to questions like that if you have Lyme disease.

Honestly, I'm feeling pretty discouraged today. Though I haven't had any more episodes, I just don't know what to think! I feel like a rug was pulled out from under me--that old false sense of security that I was talking about. It's heartbreaking to have to give up on your dreams over and over again. I know that once I've had a chance to process things, I'll feel better. I'm planning a trip out to the barn this evening so I can hug a horse--the best cure for an aching heart.