Sunday, February 20, 2011

Time Stands Still

This picture floors me with emotion. It captures one of the most intense moments of my life, frozen forever in time. Tears are streaming down my face. I am letting go of that lovely little pony. She is leaving my life forever.

She was never mine; she belonged to someone else. I understood that and she understood that there was a fragile girl that needed to latch on to her for a short time. She understood my newly broken heart from the sudden loss of my beloved first horse. She knew I needed someone to pour my horse-heartbroken-heart out to. She caught my tears in her tri-colored mane and she listened to my secrets.

In this picture, I am letting go of her; I am letting go of my own horse; I am letting go of my dream of owning another horse. I am too sick. I am terrified for my health. My body is at its frailest from my Lyme disease. I am down to 100lbs. I have used every ounce of strength in my body and soul to walk out to that precious pony. Every step it took to walk out in that field was agonizingly painful and it was a miracle that I made it. But I needed to thank my little guardian angel pony and I know she understood every word I whispered in her ear.

She eased my pain through the scariest of days: my introduction to the brutality of Lyme disease treatment. I set up my favorite picture of her next to my bed (the picture at the bottom of the page) and I dreamed of nothing more than currying her soft fur and running my hands through her gorgeous mane.

In the picture of the two of us, I am letting go of so many beloved things and my heart is in pieces, but that moment was a monumental turning point for me. There is strength captured in that picture like I've never seen in myself in any other photograph. That is the day that I truly stopped fighting against my Lyme disease and I learned to work with it.

That night, I grieved for my horse; I grieved for my health. Hardest of all, I grieved for my old life- my freedom. I cried a river. And then I picked myself up and I finally accepted my disease. Slowly, I shed my negative attitude. I cleaned up my diet. I stopped pushing myself and let my body rest. I learned to love my body, and to praise it for its hard work.

Lyme disease has made a new person of me. I like the new me much better, but I shudder to think of all I've had to go through to get where I am now. I still struggle immensely but I've come a long way!

When I look at that picture of me hugging that beautiful little pony with the big heart goodbye, my heart radiates back to her the love that she showed to me. She put the glue on my broken body and soul and gave me the strength I needed to put my life back together.

I will always love you, precious Nysa Pony.


  1. Hi Alyson, I found your blog via Harrison's facebook page and I just wanted to say that I think this is a really beautiful and brave story to be sharing.

  2. hi alyson,

    i cried with you and for you. nysa is well.

    all my love,