Saturday, July 2, 2011

Ramblings from an Insomniac

Well, here I am, wide awake at four in the morning. It's strangely peaceful in my house, a stark contrast to the regular chaos in a house with two extremely energetic little boys. I never sleep well, but I rarely go so far as to drag my weary bones out of my comfy bed when I have insomnia.

Every now and then, like tonight, I'll decide to try and trick my body into thinking that I actually want to be awake during the wee hours of the night that those of us with Lyme disease like to refer to as "Lyme time." (Hint, it doesn't work; go back to bed, silly goose!) So it's just me, my favorite tunes, my Tiger Balm Liniment, and my silly sheepdog who's always ready for the prospect of herding sheep at any hour of the day or night. (She's never seen any sheep in her life!).

This week, I started back up on treatment after a week off. Once a week--on Tuesdays--I have to take an extra medicine to help seek and destroy the babesia parasites trying to overtake my body again. That means a total of four antibiotics at once! Nobody ever said Lyme treatment was easy! (Wait, Gary Wormser did...Has he ever met anyone with Lyme disease?)

Over the past few days, I've experienced some pretty intense ups and downs as my body attemps to rid itself of the toxins from the dying bacteria--the dreaded Herx that comes with Lyme disease treatment. My ups are higher than they use to be, and I've had great strides of improvement since I started treatment, but when I'm feeling great and then suddenly I'm hit with an intense wave of Lyme symptoms, it really knocks the pants off of me! The unpredictable nature of Lyme disease can be pretty overwhelming.

Yesterday I woke up feeling really great--quite a welcome change from the night before when I was Herxing  badly--and I was able to run several errands and have quality time with my kids before I started feeling sick. "Feeling sick" quickly turned into one of the worst Herxes I've had in a long time, but hopefully, this means relief is coming my way soon!

One of the most difficult things about Lyme disease is that it's largely a mental battle. It's extremely hard to remain positive when you have a painful and unpredictable disease like Lyme. I really let myself get swept up in the sadness of this disease last night, and like a hungry predator eying dinner, it rapidly overtook me.

Last night I wanted to quit treatment because IT IS HARD. The good news is that I am stubborn as hell! In reality, I'm still trying to pull myself out of the relapse from taking two weeks off of antibiotics instead of my regular one week off, so quitting = not an option. I actually have a lot of moments when I want to throw in the towel (on treatment, not on life); I just don't usually share that on here, because, really, who wants to hear it? But, perhaps because the sun is starting to come up, I've lost my censor...All is well, because purging these feelings has made me feel a little bit better.

The thing that I've learned the most from Lyme disease is that today is a brand new day. The predator that pounced on me in the dark is gone. The sun is in the sky now and the birds are singing. I'm ready for this day...Except, now it's time to go back to bed!

"Endure and persist; this pain will turn good, by and by." ~Ovid


  1. You are stubborn! You use it for the good!

  2. Purge away. I want to hear it (there's a differenc between complaining and expressing). reminds me I'm not alone. As always, thanks for the post. XOXO